Honest to Blog - Life's a Beach

I keep feeling like for every 2 steps forward it's another step back. It's agonizing. I'll start doing well at work then realize I'm not going anywhere with it. I realize I'm going nowhere, then my mental health declines. I get my mental health on track, then finances wane. I get my finances sorted, then my physical health depletes. I get my physical health sorted, then my personal life is non-existent. I figure out my social life and my relationship struggles. My relationship starts seeming okay and then my pets have issues. Then the finances are wrecked again. Then the mental health. Then work life.

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It's a constant flow on effect that has been a vicious cycle for a while now. I've been wondering at what point the cycle will break. At what point do I take two steps forward and then just keep walking? Why is it always baby steps? Why is it always hard? Is it just me??? When it's two steps forward followed by one back, at what point does that single step forward start feeling like an accomplishment instead of another step of setting myself up for failure.

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I have these moments where I think I can be anything, do anything. And they're so fleeting. They start to feel like they're never going to be true. I branch out with my passion and realize it takes hours of research and that maybe nobody really does want my art. Maybe it isn't even good. Maybe I'm not good. Maybe my Blog isn't good. Maybe nothing is. Maybe the vicious cycle isn't even vicious... it's just that reality sucks. But then I'm not meant to care, right? I'm meant to follow a passion and see where it takes me and feel proud of myself for trying. But trying is hard. And I am tired. And I just want SOMETHING to work. Anything. But the things that work are trivial. And they're hard to celebrate. Like yesterday I did a full day of work for the first time in weeks. But instead of that feeling like a win, it feels like a failure... coz so many people work full days all the time. Yet for me it is an "accomplishment." But is it? Coz honestly, working is supposed to be done. I'm meant to earn money and pay bills and do adulty things like that.

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Is anyone else just finding that being an adult is utter bullshit? I swear I'm so confused how people my age have children. Like, I am children. I was at work today and was informed by a child that I was not in fact a grown up, I'm just Ang. So... I am me. And I am not super great at stuff. And my steps forward don't get far. And somehow I'm supposed to also feel happy? I know happiness isn't some destination, and that it's a journey. And that I'm meant to ride the waves that come. But these aren't normal waves. They're Mavericks. They are unpredictable and strike fear and terror into the hearts of those who dare venture amongst them. They crash down inexplicably. At unknown times, in unknown rhythms, in swirls that threaten to take lives. Surfing the Mavericks isn't easy for anyone. And yet, emotionally that is my journey. Most people surf Waikiki and come out with fun stories and cool photos (literally and metaphorically). But I tackle the Mavericks, and I have no training... and asthma... and I am unfit. Am I destined to fail... Is it insanity to keep trying so hard? Am I crazy for thinking that perhaps I might ever be more than just another statistic? Honestly, I'm past the point of the metaphor and I'm not sure what I am really saying... Maybe I just want a goddam life boat? Where's the life guards, and helicopters, and safety nets? Why didn't I get that beach? Why aren't I swimming with turtles in calm waters off coastal islands? Why is my brain, and my emotions, a tsunami of chaos and anxiety? I can't even swim beneath the wave to make progress forward so I can catch the next good wave. They just crash down, all at once.. over, and over, and over. And they're relentless. And I am tired.

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