Honest to Blog - Quitting

Last week I wrote a blog post about coping with isolation.

Well, mostly I just vented in a post about how shit everything is and how I'd done nothing much other than cook and gain weight, and sit around feeling useless.

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After spending a while writing the post, editing it, and then putting it up, I read it again a few days later and realised that I fucking suck.

I have a job, a home, a family... all the shit that's meant to make you happy.

Why the fuck am I depressed and anxious then?

Honestly.

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I'm legitimately my own worst enemy. I tell myself it's okay to feel my emotions, but then I get stuck in them.

DBT skills teach you to observe your emotions and check that they fit the circumstances. Essentially, you're supposed to question yourself about whether there's validity to your emotional response.

This is supposed to help you know what to do next.

You have to do what's most productive.

Is it productive to sit with your emotions and let them ruin you? Probably not.

Is it productive to get angry or scream or cry? Not really.

Is it productive to sit on the couch and do nothing but tell yourself it's fine coz everyone else is? Kind of also not okay... even if we tell ourselves it is...

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With this mindset I read my last post and went, "oh shit, I haven't at all been productive with this isolation."

So I decided I'd do something to be proud of....

I decided to quit smoking.

So I did.

8 days ago.

And it's really, fucking hard.

Pretty sure my partner and I are a thread away from breaking coz I'm way too much...

Pretty sure that I will eventually slip up because I suck.

Pretty sure there's nothing good about me and that nobody will read this and that nothing matters and that I don't matter and that even writing this is pointless...

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I mean, this was meant to be a positive post like "look guys, I got 8 days in and haven't had a smoke!"

But who cares.

It doesn't even fucking matter.

I mean, yay for my dog getting a walk daily while I try to burn out the cravings... but seriously, why else does it matter.

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I dyed my hair pink.

Thought maybe I needed a change.

Figured I'd switch up my vibe and go with a more artsy look now... but what's the point?

I'm barely even drawing. Still lacking motivation. Still thinking I'm not good enough for anyone to even like my art. Still comparing myself to others and just wishing that I'd miraculously just stop breathing forever so I'd stop feeling like this...

I'm moody as fuck from quitting and my brain is convincing me lots of wonderful things like "nobody cares about you," and, "nobody will ever genuinely love you," or, " you don't deserve happiness." You know... all the fun stuff like that.

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So I'm sitting here, writing this...

Coz my partner and I had a fight, so he stormed out. And now I get to have a fun play with my old friend Abandonment Issues. We go WAY back.

I'm overbearing and I'm crazy... I'm manipulative or abusive... I'm possessed... Fuck I've been called so many things over the years that my brain just screams them at me any time I'm upset.

Like, "hey, Ang, you're a fuckwit and nobody will ever love you.

Thanks brain, thanks a whole fucking bunch.

Oh, and thanks to my ex for those words that have now become my inner monologue...

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Fuck. I'm honestly just angry at the world.

This is so goddam hard.

And I don't know if being raw is good or bad, or whether it doesn't fucking matter coz nobody cares...

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Honestly, what I wanted to write was a blog on a piece I read about toxic positivity because it got me thinking so much. I had some great discussions about it with one of cousins. I wanted to share my thoughts and ideas...

But instead I'm over here ranting again coz life sucks and quitting is hard...

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Quitting makes me think, "why did I ever start?" And then I remember why... coz I was super fucking depressed and needed some kind of outlet.

And then I get to relive my past in a montage of moments that flash before my eyes reminding me why I haven't been happy for the longest time... it goes so far back that it opens wounds and plows through fields of memories that I do my best to lock away.

But now they rain down on me... every poor decision that lead to where I am now.

And some days where I am now makes me happy coz I get to be proud of how far I've come... but today, it just hurts... a LOT.