Honest to Blog - A New Adventure

This past month has been one full of chaos and has been a huge struggle for me personally.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and overall well-being.

I have spent days thinking I could accomplish anything I put my mind to, even discussing with my psychologist the potential of studying a degree.

But I also spent days, honestly more like weeks, in bed (or on the couch) doing absolutely nothing other than waiting for the day to be over so I could sleep and not have to think.

I haven't worked as often and have felt like I let down everyone in my work place just by being me.

But yesterday I did a thing... As someone who is forever doubting myself, I find it incredibly difficult to invest in myself.

However, as I recently turned 26 I am incredibly aware that each day that passes is one closer to 30. And that's a step closer to 50. Which is a step closer to being old. And that's just fucking scary coz I honestly never thought I'd be alive this long or have to plan a goddam future.

When I was in prep I remember being really great at reading. I loved it! I smashed out our "100 books read" quota so early in the year that they recommended I go to a library. At this age I was so eager to further myself.

In grade 5 we did testing which was supposed to determine our academic abilities. I rated in the top percentile for English and Literature, coming back with results which placed my skills at high school level.

I've always felt like I was going to grow up and become something.

I wanted to be a writer, a teacher, a public speaker... and then I realised how crippling my anxiety and depression can be and I ran from almost any opportunity presented.

I got a scholarahip to University and was so afraid of not doing well that when I got distinctions, instead of high distinctions, I didn't even bother going to my exams and I walked away from higher study.

I have always loved the idea of adding to the world in a positive and meaningful way, but then my mind would remind me that I am (and will always be) nothing.

Anything I have ever been passionate about I have inevitably self-sabotaged.

But recently, ever so momentarily, I had a burst of clarity.

I don't have to have a degree to matter, or excel in my career, or be seen and heard by multitudes of people... I can just follow my passions and that can actually be enough.

Almost 3 months ago I made an instagram page for my artwork.

As someone who has always loved to read and write it's easy to say I've always known I was a creative soul.

But as a perfectionist, I never thought anything I would do would truly be good enough.

I came across a quote by James Sulter about how there is no real beauty without imperfections and this just spoke to me!

I started not only drawing, but sharing my art. I don't have thousands of followers or even many "likes" on each image, in the same way that my Blog doesn't reach a huge audience.

But it is nice knowing, and feeling, that a part of myself is out there.

So the other day, as I sat contemplating if I will ever amount to anything or if I will always only be just an assistant, I realized that it doesn't fucking matter.

Why should I care if you like my art, or my writing style, or the way I represent myself?

I like it. I like the clothes I wear, the art I draw, the friendships I have, the home I live in (with it's green benches and tonic water bottles used as vases)... because it's me.

The thing is, when my friends talk to me about projects and ideas I back them. And I have come to the conclusion that they probably feel the same way about me.

So even if I never reach a wide audience, or make much of a difference in this world, I love and I am loved.

And that is fucking amazing.

And that is what gives me the strength and courage to feel that I matter.

Armed with this knowledge (and some tipsy conversations with a friend which was fueled by wine and cheese) I came up with a business idea: Apparel by Ang Nicole.

I created an Etsy page to sell clothing with my original designs. And even though it's a totally new venture that I have no idea about... I'm kind of excited!

I don't know if anything will come of it really, but I finally goddam did something.

I got off the couch.

I shook off my insecurities and went for it.

I don't know if it's overly self-indulgent to name a label after myself. Perhaps it is.

But also, thinking of names for an online store is hard.

So, here it is...

My first step towards believing in myself in a REAL way.

Feel free to check it out!

Apparel by Ang Nicole