Honest to Blog - Unicorn Store
- Ang Nicole
- Apr 11, 2019
- 5 min read
"The most grown up thing you can do is fail at things you care about." - Unicorn Store, Movie Quote.
Today I was meant to go to work.
I was meant to be supporting a room full of toddlers. I was meant to wake up feeling happy and ready to tackle the day. I was meant to go bowling and farewell a colleague. I was meant to feel motivated. I was meant to have a shower. I was meant to clean my room. I was meant to just move that goddam pile of clothes from my couch to my room.
But I have done none of these things.
Today I woke up and my biggest accomplishment was going downstairs to eat.
I started watching a movie on Netflix called Unicorn Store. From what I can tell this movie is about a woman who hasn't exactly figured out how to adult yet and instead she decides the reason to get life together is so she can house a unicorn.
Honestly, I haven't finished watching the movie yet, and I have mostly just been writing while it's been playing in the background. But as I almost finished this post I heard the quote above and thought it was worth noting.
Trigger Warning - this post is about depression and mentions suicidal ideation.
Obviously unicorns and glitter seem a bit far fetched and childish... plus it further progresses the feeling that I'm living a mediocre life, but aren't most of us?
I mean, we basically all just work from day to day waiting for our days off so we can... what? Get more things done so we're organised for the following week?
Sure, we go on holidays or have weekends away... But why?
So we can run away from everyday life for just a fleeting moment before we return and have even more mess to sort before we get back to work?
Or maybe we don't clean, or cook, or get organised.
Maybe we just let it all fall to pieces and let it come apart at the seams.
But at some point we'll have to pick it up again, right? We can't just let the depression take over. Or the anxiety control us.
Well, I mean, we can.
But we're not supposed to.
What we're supposed to do is follow the rules.
Get a good job, have a happy relationship, or be independently and passionately single, maybe start a family, own a home...
Is this a list I've made up in my head or does everyone else feel their body clock ticking and with the stroke of each hand, with the change of each season, we are a step closer to our life falling further away from what it should be.
Although, the new thing nowadays seems to be that we don't stick to a norm, and instead we create our own.
So if you're not just a little odd and have something just quirky enough... then you're not really doing "life" right.
Thats how it feels to me.
It feels like we've got to have it together just enough that when something goes wrong and we fall into a depression then that becomes a story, an anecdote even.
But the truth of it is that for me depression isn't this little thing that happens and then you get over it and say "oh, I hope I never feel that way again, it wasn't lovely at all."
Side note: how much has the word 'depression' lost its potency?
I hear so many people joke about depression.
Depression is no longer this ugly, scary thing that is only spoken about in hushed voices behind closed doors... Instead, depression is what everyone seems to call even just a tiny bit of sadness. One bad thing happens and you hear a colleague, friend or family member say "well, that's depressing," as if depression has become a commonplace adjective for a whole degree of emotions instead of a description of a serious mental condition.
Depression is a constant in my life. It's that background noise that never really goes away. Even on the good days it's there hidden in the depths of my mind - that nagging feeling that life isn't worth living, that it's all just pointless, that nothing good will ever happen to me.
Sure.. There's been good moments in my life. I've had things happen that haven't been entirely upsetting.
But all of those things have either, inevitably, ended or died (or just stopped working for me).
That sounds morbid but it's super true!
It takes more than one hand, or two, to count how many pets I've had that have died. Not because I'm careless or anything... But things just don't seem to work out for me.
For those that don't know, I have 19 tattoos. They're all completely unique and wonderful.. like dreamcatchers, and the tree of life, and the word "freedom" because I really am such a rare individual. Yes, I am completely aware that there's probably nothing legitimately unique about me and that basically everyone who is somewhat conscientious has a peace sign tattoo.
But anyway, my point is... it's lucky I'm not one of those people who gets their pets names tattooed because I'd basically be covered from head to toe.. I'm just that unlucky. I mean, lots of other super shitty stuff has happened in my life too. But the pet thing is just one example of why I really struggle to find a point in anything.
I'm currently struggling with depression.
Not a cute "carbs and nap" meme type of depression.
I'm struggling with "can't get out of bed, can't get to work, can't think straight" kind of depression.
There's so many things which come together to make ones mind riddled with depression.
It's not just a chemical imbalance, as many articles have lead us to believe. Further research about the cause of depression suggests that continuing difficulties over the span of an individuals life contribute to depression ( such as unemployment, living in an abusive or uncaring relationship, long-term isolation or loneliness, prolonged work stress, etc.).
I've done a whole bunch of research and I want to sit here and tell you all these useful and handy tips for combating or managing depression, but to be honest I have hit a wall.
I don't have any positives right now...
I just have a mind full of reasons as to why I should give up, and honestly, there's not much else I can think of.
Maybe the only thing that is possibly helpful here is that if anyone else feels this way, I guess.. you're not alone.
If you need help I strongly urge you to seek the assistance of friends, family or you can call the numbers of helplines such as Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)
Or visit www.beyondblue.org.au or www.lifeline.org.au
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