Honest to Blog - Under Pressure

Recently one of my brothers sent me a song to listen to.

He's not usually the kind of guy that gets all deep and meaningful very often.

My big brother is reliable.

He is the guy whose house you rock up to knowing there's always going to be beer in the fridge, or bundy, and a fire out the back.

But for me to receive a message with a song that he said was just for me... that felt pretty

fucking special.

---

Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie.

Lately, with all of the hype that's been going on about the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, music by Queen has been making a pretty strong come back.

Queen were a British rock-band formed in 1970.

Most people would know of their songs - they have sold over 5 million copies of their albums.

Their fame and the story of Freddie Mercury (the lead singer of Queen) has made 869.5 million USD in box office since the release of the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, just 4 months ago.

It seems to me like the music by Queen is the kind that everyone knows, but I don't think many of us have really taken the time to consider the lyrics that we're listening to.

Under Pressure talks about how life can be so overwhelming at times that you just want out...

---

Usually, when things get to that point for me, I run.. Sometimes physically for kilometres at a time - surprising myself with my own athletic ability.

Sometimes I run away by taking myself somewhere outdoorsy - like the beach or mountains (anywhere that I can be engulfed and awed by the magnitude of the earth).

Sometimes I run to entirely different countries and decide that maybe, just maybe, if I start over all the bad thoughts will disappear... But they never do.

Sometimes, instead of running and hiding I am forced to face my demons.

Right now my demons are strong and they are coming at me from so many angles that there are moments I have almost let them win.. and if I am being honest, I think that currently, some of them are controlling my life more than I currently am.

I've been told that intuition usually holds the key to the answers that life throws at us.

My intuition is saying to me that I need to just stop.

And so, my whole life has come to a screaming halt.

---

I sat in the psych ward less than a week ago.

I had just had an anxiety attack and was crying because I then found out the cause of my anxiety attack (screaming and yelling outside) was a man in the ward who is almost blind and he gets so frustrated with his condition but doesn't know how to effectively express himself.

So I sat, crying because I was so worried about how it was affecting me that I didn't think of someone else's pain.

Then I heard it..

That tiny voice deep within…

It tells me what I need to hear…

My intuition is saying heal yourself, breathe life into your own soul for some time.

---

Admittedly, I'm a perfectionist.

I often feel overwhelmed because the hard truth of life is that it is goddam messy!

For me, taking time to heal myself before actually trying to be there for everyone or everything around me... well... it's a difficult thought.

I always want to be MORE.

I have this idea in my head of how I want to be perceived.

Honestly, I am the biggest pressure in my own life.

Sure, there's pressure from lots of angles... but ultimately, I think it's on me to control the way I respond to that - and in turn that means I am controlling how all the pressure is effecting me.

---

It hasn’t been easy deciding to step back from things to give my mind and soul time to heal, but I am fortunate enough to have an army of friends and family that support me when times do get tough.

In this post, I don’t know that I have a conclusive argument or a specific message…

I am just taking a moment to realise that writing this blog needs to be for the right reasons.

I am not writing Honest to Blog so I can receive lots of views and have heaps of positive feedback, although I more than appreciate all that I have so far received. I am writing it because the pressure of life sometimes gets too much and I am exploring an outlet for it, through writing.

---

This post is not overly informative, as per my previous.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that this is for me.

This is me taking back a tiny bit of my life by utilising my time constructively to compose these posts and be able to let out some of the things that I think and feel.

I guess I am just so used to needing reassurance that I started getting a little excessive with checking the first few posts to see how many views it had, and responding to feedback...

But, I guess it doesn't really matter how this all goes, I just have to be kind to myself and trust in the process.