Honest to Blog - The Lumineers
- Ang Nicole
- Mar 8, 2019
- 6 min read
The first in a series of things I am passionate about.
You know when you ask someone what kind of music they like and they answer with, “every kind,” that’s the point at which you run.
The only person who likes every kind of music is honestly, pathologically, a liar!
Who can honestly say that they actually, legitimately enjoy the works of Mozart, Led Zeppelin, Safia, Genuine, Yiruma, Alexi Murdoch, The Beatles and Billie Eilish?
Worst selections of who-can-honestly-like-these, but you get my point.
As humans we are designed, evolved, created, to be individual. We are each as unique as a snowflake, the same way that no two fingerprints are the same.
So, when I tell you that I am fortunate enough to share a sibling (and I have 9, so I think I have the monopoly on this statement) who shares the same taste in weird as heck music as I do… I am correct.
It is indeed a fortune I am blessed with, to have a brother who shares with me his music so I can appreciate it.
He also shares quotes, books, movies and stories of his ‘endeavours’ as he so-calls them.
We often don’t speak for weeks at a time, then my phone will buzz and it’s just a screenshot of a song he’s really into at that moment.
I, of course, return the favour.
One of the songs I once shared with him is named after me. Well, okay, not after me… but it is my name.
Angela by The Lumineers – it’s on Spotify. If you don’t already know of them and plan to check them out, I would also say that it’s worth listening to Stubborn Love, Submarines, Cleopatra, Sleep on the Floor and Ophelia.
I love this song. I love The Lumineers.
The idea of leaving the town you grew up in, letting the exits pass, “all the tar and glass, 'Til the road and sky align.”
Somehow, to me that just sounds so incredible!
I kind of did it once. Left everything behind. I moved to Thailand, for a short stint.
I mentioned this in my earlier post as one of my passions –travel.
I have been sitting here and thinking for a while where to go with this particular post.
I mean, I want to talk about mental health. I want to talk about travel. I want to be anecdotal, relatable and interesting.
But, how do I do all of that without this post being so long that you stop reading?
I considered making ‘travel’ a series of posts... But then this would be a completely different blog to what I intended.
So, I will oversimplify my travels for you because a lot of the topics in this ‘what I am passionate about’ series of blog posts will cross over.
The first travel I ever did (that I was old enough to remember), aside from camping trips with my family and interstate adventures, was to Fiji. I was 17 years old. I had just finished year 12. The year had been tough! Not only had I completed VCE (standard year 12 studies) I had also done TAFE at the same time (took a day off school each week to go study towards becoming a chef).
When the time came for our year levels Valedictory ball I was flying across the sea to my mother’s homeland. I don’t think I have ever admitted this aloud, but I think a part of me wanted to run off to Fiji with my mum and my brother (not the afore mentioned one). Being completely honest, as per my blog name, I think that I was scared to fail. I knew I wasn’t going to be the best at anything, or be recognised for anything, so I didn’t want to be at an awards ceremony for my senior year.
~ Side note: I actually did achieve the English award ~
Instead, I went to Fiji and met relatives I didn’t even know I had. They lived their life a way that was vastly different to how I grew up. Despite my many ill feelings towards the way I grew up, I can say I have always had what I needed. My dad always worked hard to provide for my family, and mum always supported us on the home front (staying at home to raise all ten of her children – yes, ten!).
There I was standing in the houses of my very own family and they had dirt for flooring and corrugated iron for walls.
I was humbled in a way I had never been before.
I had come bearing gifts – care packages with clothes, toys and food – but I still felt guilty for my first world problems (like how I didn’t appreciate that my hair had become unruly in the humidity).
That was when I realised the concept of things being relative.
It is okay to be upset because something in your world seems to be crashing down!
Nobody should shame you for not coping just because “there are starving children in Ethiopia.”
We are entitled to having emotions and thoughts that are relevant to the way that we have grown up and the life we are used to!
This fact has taken me years to come to terms with.
I have too often felt guilty for being from the middle class of a country that many come to for asylum.
I am one of the lucky ones.
I have been blessed enough since then to travel to Nepal – where I volunteered through a friends organisation ‘The Help Nepal Appeal,’ Singapore – where I briefly enjoyed a luxurious stay in an overly priced hotel, New Zealand – where I travelled with some of my best friends and Thailand.
Ahhh. Thailand.
I am known to say, “Thailand has my heart.”
- Trigger Warning -
When I moved over there in October 2017 I was running away from one of the biggest mistakes of my life – a failed suicide attempt.
To this day I still question whether the mistake was that I didn’t succeed, or whether it was that I tried in the first place.
But, nonetheless, I moved to Thailand to escape myself.
Also, this is a classic BPD trait – impulsiveness.
I flew to Chiang Mai and threw myself into studying a course so I could teach English as a second language. I made some incredible friends and tried some amazing food. But that didn’t distract me from my thoughts.
I had only recently started dating my boyfriend before up and moving to an entirely different continent, so we fought… a lot.
It. Was. ROUGH.
Long-distance is not for the faint of heart.
My mental health was, quite frankly, fucked.
But BPD traits being prevalent in my characteristics, I played a wonderful little thing called ‘the blame game.’
I shifted my self-loathing towards my partner, and then pushed him away. I swore that he was the reason that we were having issues. I told him we needed a break. I ignored him and went off living my best life (which as it turns out was very lonely and dissatisfying).
When I was placed in a job through the agency with whom I studied I was gutted to find out I wouldn’t actually be working with children, as per my request. I was instead shipped off to Bangkok to teach English online (where I’d have no actual contact with my students). I think I lasted maybe 2 months before getting prodigiously intoxicated, followed by being staggeringly hung-over and I called my boyfriend to book me a flight home because it was all too much!
Let me just make this super clear!!!
TRAVEL DOESN”T FIX MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS.
The amount of times I have been told “but you’re so happy when you travel, just go do that.”
NO!
The only thing that fixes mental health is actually working on it!
It is different for everyone.
Yeah, when you travel you are distracted by new shiny things… but you aren’t actually dealing with your problems – or at least I wasn’t.
For me, the best thing I ever did was start seeing a psychologist and focusing on learning the skills taught through Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT).
DBT skills are taught to BPD clients so that we can life the way that neurological people do.
We learn how to emotionally regulate and use mindfulness skills, stuff most people do without so much as a second thought.
I have to literally work on these skills DAILY.
I am beyond lucky to be able to work with the most amazing and supportive psychologist who helps me to continue learning to be more than just my BPD.
In summary of my passion for travel:
Travel is something I would do every day if I could.
I cannot wait to explore every part of this earth!
But there is no point in me even moving outside of my house if I don’t first acknowledge that my main concern should always be to look after myself.
If you feel that you need help I strongly urge you to seek the assistance of friends, family or you can call the numbers of helplines such as Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)
Or visit www.beyondblue.org.au or www.lifeline.org.au
Comments