Honest to Blog - Silver and Gold
- Ang Nicole
- Mar 26, 2019
- 8 min read
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up and can’t shake the feeling that it was all a little too real?
A song that reminds me of this feeling is Silver and Gold, by City and Colour (if you haven’t listened to City and Colour before, I would recommend you listen to the album Little Hell).
Silver and Gold talks about waking from a dream wherein the whole world had become dystopian. Silver and gold had lost their worth and all the things that were loved had all disappeared.
For me, in some ways, having anxiety is a little bit like that.
It’s that sensation that something is wrong, even when it isn’t.
Most people have experienced anxiety before in their lives, even if they didn't know that's what it was.
For those who haven’t, you lucky few, anxiety can feel similar to fear.
When you are fearful of something your physiological response to the stimulus is visible - there is muscle tension, your heart rate increases and you become short of breath.
The difference between fear and anxiety is that the stimulus isn’t always apparent in that moment (or maybe ever).
For example, think of the difference between fear and anxiety through the analogy of a spider (similar to the analogy outlined in the link above).
If you are hiking in the bush and you see a large spider then fear sets in.
But what if you are planning your hike and you haven’t even seen the spider yet, you aren’t having a fear to an apparent stimulus, you are anxious of the potential stimulus.
Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicidal ideation and some swearing ahead.
I would like to stress the importance of this trigger warning, as some of my previous warnings have been ignored and I have had some negative feedback about points I have specified would be written about. If you do not feel that you can read about topics mentioned in my trigger warnings then please do not read.
As always, if you feel that these points do trigger you then I would recommend you seek professional support through the assistance of a counselor or psychologist, alternatively you can contact the numbers (or follow the links) at the bottom of this post.
Right now, as I am sitting here writing this, I am post-anxiety attack (by about an hour).
Maybe the best way to understand anxiety is if I just explain to you how I am feeling right now.
My heart rate feels scarily shaky and so does my whole body. I am ridiculously aware that my pony tail is lop-sided and it makes me feel uncomfortable but I also feel really numb and that makes me feel as if I can’t even bring myself to fix my hair because my mind then tells me that I don’t deserve to look or feel good about myself since I am in fact a waste of the space I occupy in this world. My clothes feel uncomfortable and I am aware at the moment that I feel really hot, but also haven’t done anything about it because why should I deserve to feel comfortable when all I do is ruin everything. My mind is racing a million miles an hour.
When I have anxiety attacks that can look entirely different depending on what set me off. Usually it is a bunch of things that build up and eventually snowball to the point that I am way outside my window of tolerance.
The window of tolerance is an image that depicts the 5 different states of being. The middle image is where you want to be – where everything feels just right and you are calm, able to cope.
Today I skyrocketed to the point of hyperarousal in about 10 seconds. I went from within my window of tolerance to a complete dysregulation of emotions in the shortest space of time.
I was beyond anxious.
I was at the point where I was overwhelmed.
When I am in this state my mind screams so loudly at me, thoughts that no person should have to think.
When this happens all I think I can do to combat it is to scream just as loud to block it out. Today that meant I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t even function.
I fell into a foetal position, hidden under some shelves in the storeroom and screamed as loud as I could, rocking back and forth trying to shake the thoughts.
Also, sometimes (like today) when I am super anxious I get nauseous and can vomit from feeling overwhelmed.
This state of being (for me) can sometimes lasts a few minutes and sometimes it can last hours.
When I was feeling this way today my mind was telling me that there was nothing I could do to fix the way I am, and that I was letting my team at work down and that for this reason (among many others) I did not deserve to live.
I often will say half of what I am thinking because the other half just doesn’t seem to make it’s way out.
I rocked myself and kept repeating things aloud like “I can’t do this anymore,” and “it’s too much.”
The lengthened versions of those verbalised thoughts are ones you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, unless you’re entirely sadistic.
I get really convinced when I am like this that there is one of two options:
a) I run away and just disappear so that nobody ever has to deal with me
b) I kill myself so nobody ever has to deal with me
I mean, I get that maybe you are reading this like that’s a bit dramatic Ang.
Let me tell you something though, I don’t choose these thoughts.
I don’t choose the way that my body shuts down and goes into a complete state of dysfunction where I am a blubbering, screaming, and suicidal mess.
When I am in a better headspace I reflect on my anxiety attacks and feel so stupid because if I could just keep it together enough to explain myself or to find something that is calming then none of this would happen… But at the moment, I can’t.
I have regressed.
Regression is a super shitty, super sucky term which, according to Freudian theory, is a defence mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adaptive way.
So basically, since before my admission to hospital I stopped being able to handle things like an adult and started backsliding to a point where now, when things go wrong, because I have reverted to an earlier stage of development, adopting more childish mannerisms or coping strategies… I just stop being able to function.
How fucking fun is being self-aware?
I mean, I can identify the fact that I am not coping, and I spend every day trying to get to a point where I am doing better, but then something happens and I cant even get through a work day.
Anxiety is the worst.
What is super fun for me, as someone who also has BPD, is that not only am I experiencing the regular brand of anxiety, mine is heightened – Yay!
(for those who aren’t getting it, that was sarcasm)
I wanted to write this post so that it was super informative and you would know lot’s of information about what it is like to feel anxious or how it affects everyday life.
So here is the skinny, anxiety sucks. It drains the life out of those affected by it.
Let’s say I wanted to go to the shops and pick up a snack – guess what, anxiety steals the joy out of everything! Now, not only am I thinking that I won’t go out of the house, I am wondering if I look as fat as I feel and if I should ever be seen in public again.
Or what if I have plans to meet up with some friends – Yup! Anxiety ruins it. My mind is now telling me they don’t even like me, and why should they? I am not fun to be around and all I do it ruin everything anyway… are they even my friends? Why do they want to be around me? Is this some kind of extended practical joke where they all laugh behind my back because I think I have friends?
What about if I have a really great day and start thinking that “maybe things could turn around?” Well, this is the kicker… when I start thinking that things could be better, they always get worse. Not super-dramatic, everything-sucks, kind of worse… I mean that this is usually right about when people start thinking that I am able to handle their negativity because I am doing better, so they unleash their opinions and bring my life to a standstill.
Essentially, anxiety makes it feel like 3752 steps combat every step forward in my life.
Unfortunately, nobody really stops to think very much about how his or her actions and words will effect someone else’s day.
I can’t expect everyone to be aware of my anxiety and to make an effort to be extra thoughtful.
I can’t expect people to message me, checking in, to see how I am going just because that is what I would do for them if roles were reversed.
I can’t expect anybody to actually take the time to check on my headspace before they decide they have something they need to say.
So instead, I have to change.
At the moment I am seeing a psychologist weekly. But being honest, when I go see her my brain shuts down.
Referring to the image from earlier, my brain goes into hypoarousal when I see my psychologist.
I zone out and feel frozen. Sometimes I can’t even see properly, like the edges get blurry and it's hard to focus. This is because my brain starts telling me that a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t have to do this. I start to get deflated because I know that if I could just be… better… then everyone wouldn’t keep leaving me, or giving up on me, or making me feel so insignificant.
Lately, when I see my psychologist it just makes me realise how far I have to go to get to a point where I start coping strategically and it is such a hard thing to face that everything just shuts down.
I don’t even know if this post is insightful, or if anyone even wants to understand what anxiety is like from my perspective… but writing this has helped me to calm down enough that my heart rate feels normal now and I feel silly for the way I fell apart earlier (which is actually a good thing, because the more I can identify the behaviours I don’t want to see, the more that I can do something about them).
Also, now I am having anxiety about posting this because obviously it is about me... and my experiences... so maybe this is going to offend someone and they will have something to say about it that hurts my feelings and takes me back to square one. But I hope that for some of you this post has been a little bit of an insight into how anxiety feels for me.
(Just a quick reminder to those who feel led to comment or message on my Facebook Page, I am currently in an unstable mental condition, please be mindful when approaching conversation.)
If you feel that you need help I strongly urge you to seek the assistance of friends, family or you can call the numbers of helplines such as Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)
Or visit www.beyondblue.org.au or www.lifeline.org.au
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