Honest to Blog - Juno
- Ang Nicole
- Mar 7, 2019
- 4 min read
“In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”
- Juno (Movie Quote)
Okay.
First blog post done.
If you are reading this second post then I assume you find me somewhat interesting.
You are probably also wondering why the quote?
Juno is an all-time favourite movie of mine.
If you haven’t seen it, or haven’t watched it in at least the past 10 years, then I would recommend you do watch it (it’s on
Netflix).
Juno, the 2007 comedy film directed by Jason Reitman and written by Diablo Cody, follows the unplanned pregnancy and subsequent events of a young teenager. The movie starring Ellen Page and Michael Cera tackles lots of big issues about growing up and becoming an adult – something I don’t think any of us are ever truly ready for!
Not only is this movie ridiculously funny, it is also fantastically quotable.
For those that didn’t read my intro blog post (umm, why? And please go do so now), I have Borderline Personality Disorder (hereon referred to as BPD).
When I first found out I had BPD it was 2017 and I was in hospital, hiding under a warm and scratchy pink blanket because my anxiety was going crazy and I get really sensitive to light and sound during bad anxiety attacks. I was curled up in a chair blanketed so I couldn’t see the psychiatrist who broke the news.
At first I didn’t know what to think.
I mean, I was 23 years old. I had been through a LOT leading up to this moment. And then he, or she, (honestly I don’t even remember) told me “you’ve been diagnosed with BPD, have you heard of it before?”
Yeah. I had. My old house-mate had it and based off that all I could think was FUCK!
BPD females are renowned for being difficult in general, let alone as partners.
So many things started to click for me!
I was able to make sense of myself.
I didn’t research it at first because I didn’t want to ‘become my diagnosis’ but I knew enough to think that makes sense.
But then I did research it… and as per my prediction… I fell into a depressed heap.
Cut forward to my Juno quote about finding a person who loves you for who you are.
I want to use this post to thank my partner for putting up with me through thick and thin. I also want to express my gratitude for his support, and his help, in creating this blog.
If you know about BPD, or clicked the link above to find out about it, then you know that loving me probably isn’t an easy task.
Even a tiny insight into our lives, if you know us, foretells of many an hour of me crying and being anxious.
Not only does he put up with me and love me through the regular days, he has just recently supported me through a psychiatric hospital admission (due to me having suicidal ideation that was making me feel unsafe).
PSA – Trigger Warning
What made me feel this way?
He fractured his elbow and I felt that I couldn’t support him enough and then started self-loathing for not being what
he needed, when he is always the strength that I need.
THIS is the reality of mental health.
It’s not this cute little thing where I need help and I am an injured little animal that needs taking care of and loving.
It is moments like this – my partner was in hospital, I got the news during my morning tea break at work, I fought off an anxiety attack as I ran to meet an Uber so I could get to him, I reached the hospital and found out he had fractured his elbow and had a concussion… but I was upset because when he messaged me he said “I am okay” right after mentioning hospital.
Fun Fact: BPD brains actually function differently to nuerotypical brains. People with BPD have prefrontal cortexes which are inactive and inefficient. This is one of the reasons for some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD – we literally have a different sized amygdala and our prefrontal cortex doesn’t work effectively.
If that all sounds like gibberish, let me break it down a bit:
My brain, as with others affected by BPD, has a part of it that makes my emotions literally feel stronger.
When I am confronted with something that upsets me I tend to focus on that, I see in black and white, and I have to work so hard just to feel things ‘normally.’
So, when my partner said he was “okay” because he perceived the threat of hospital as minimal since it wasn’t life or death, I got beyond upset because I felt he had lied to me… To me, he wasn’t “okay,” he was in hospital. My emotions controlled me and I thought that he didn’t want me there, or else he would have said that he needed me.
And just like that, I spun out of control. Slowly at first, and then all at once.
In a swift moment of strength (which I have spent years learning to be able to hone) I blurted out to him what my brain was screaming at me – that I wanted to kill myself – and he was able to call and get me the help I needed.
So, thank you to my partner for helping me to get through that.
Thanks for getting me the help I needed and ensuring I always feel supported.
And thanks to you, my readers, for making me feel like I have a voice worth hearing.
If you feel that you need help I strongly urge you to seek the assistance of friends, family or you can call the numbers of helplines such as Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)
Or visit www.beyondblue.org.au or www.lifeline.org.au
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