Honest to Blog - Goodbye 2019
- Ang Nicole
- Jan 1, 2020
- 5 min read
Notes to self: Unclench jaw. Release unreasonably tight grip. Breathe.
2019 is done.
Wait…
Breathe again.
Three. Big. DEEP. Breaths.
Focus on where that breathe is coming from.
Make that focal point your diaphragm.
Accept that 2019 wasn’t the worst year.
Maybe it had some of the worst days. Maybe it had some of the best days?
But it is done.
Live. Learn. Grow.
Sorry regular readers, no quotes today.
No songs, books or movies.
Just straight up thoughts typed for you to read, mostly the inner workings from the mind of a human with diagnosed borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety who wants to be so much more than those heavy weighted labels.
On December 30th, 2019 I wrote an unfinished post, and subsequently decided to delete it.
Not because of anxiety (like it usually is), but because I realised, I wasn’t writing a witty take on how “nobody cares that you had your best year yet” aimed at how insecure posts about getting engaged, married, pregnant or starting a dream job can make others feel. What I was writing was just a bunch of hate speech because I wasn’t a person who had a whole bunch of things that I thought I could feel triumphant about over the past year.
In retrospect, I made it through last year.
And sometimes… making it through is the right amount of something to be triumphant over.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. What I am for is constantly challenging my mindset and my mental health.
2019 didn’t specifically teach me anything.
What taught me over the past year wasn’t based on the earth’s rotation around the sun, it was based on the choices I made and the results which followed. Not all of my choices in the past year were justifiable… I held grudges, I made enemies, I had relationship issues, I had moments where I didn’t grow at all – I had periods within those moments of that time where I didn’t even bother trying.
But last year I also forgave myself, accepted myself, and decided I was worth so much more than what I (wrongly) thought I was worth over the last 25 years of my existence.
My achievements, or lack thereof, for the year 2019 could be labelled and broadcast on social media in a dot points of rises and falls.
I could create a photo montage of all the wonderful moments and document how these made me grow.
But real talk, every single choice I have made in my life is the decider for who I am, and how I respond to the outcome of those choices is what has the ability to shape me.
Yeah, sure… I got a new car last year, moved to a new house, got a puppy… but so what?
These are choices I made, some of which were impulsive and ill prepared for, but that isn’t part of “having a good year,” it’s part of choosing to embrace the realisation that I AM ENOUGH.
In the past I didn’t believe that I deserved to be loved, cared for, adored… by myself.
I mean, sure, we are all cynics these days. We believe in feminism, and equality, and powerful messages of personal abilities rather than love.
But guess what, LOVE FIXES US.
Not in a cheesy “my boyfriend is my saviour” kind of way.
Self. Love.
Self. Fucking. Love, People.
The real kind - not the “I like my body the way it is” kind of bullshit that everyone preaches (but hardly anyone believes). Nah, the "I love my mind" way.
I am talking the kind of love that allows you to actually dig deep and face insecurities and accept them, work through them, learn from them and continue to grow.
This year my biggest achievement has been the choice to prioritise my mental health, in a way I have never done before.
I have taken ownership and responsibility for the mess that is my mind.
And I have chosen to take my time untangling that god-awful ball of crazy, because I deserve to love who I am – even if I don’t feel like others might.
Acceptance of the fact that I am not everybody’s type of person has been a HUGE personal struggle for me all my life, one I doubt I will ever stop having to work on.
There hasn’t been a situation I wasn’t sure I could amend with apologies, cupcakes and kindness.
But the cost of that was that I wasn’t respecting my right to have boundaries, and the fact that what I think of myself should matter so much more than what others think of me.
In 2019 there are people I have chosen to exercise my right to creating healthy boundaries with.
At first, I thought that was mean. I was worried about how that might make them feel.
But for fucksake… what about how I feel?
Now, this isn’t a resolution, so hush.
It’s a shift in mindset that has been taking place now for some time.
I started seeing a new psychologist – step one in my process.
I started a hobby again – step two.
Okay, honestly, it’s not a step by step thing… it’s an unconstructed jumble of different things that I have changed about my life to ensure that I am my own priority.
The flow on effect has been unreal, to say the least.
I still have tough days.
I still have so much work to do.
I still dread how hard it is.
But I am worth it, right?
And so, I wake up each morning with a cup of tea and I stand outside in my garden. I breathe in deeply and tell my thoughts to subside. I focus instead on my surroundings, the colours I can see, the noises I hear, the feel of my toes when I wiggle them in my shoes. I remind myself daily to step outside of my thoughts, which race, and instead I allow myself the beautiful truth – grounding is so positive for mental health – I allow myself to know that I can choose to be okay.
On the way to work now, I draw. It’s therapeutic and allows stillness, calmness, to wash over my brain (I even created an insta page for my art so I can share what I love).
When I get to work, I arrive early. I remove the anxiety from my mornings by taking ownership of them and reminding myself on days when life throws curveballs (like train delays, or missed alarms, or waking up feeling slightly off kilter) that anxiety won’t fix it.
I repeat this to myself as often as I need to, reminding myself that having a meltdown doesn’t change anything in a positive way… it isn’t “productive.” These are the words I tell myself.
And… They help.
I am proud of myself.
For the first time in my life I like who I am, because I have chosen to be the person I am. And she is wonderful. And she cares about herself.
2020 - I am ready!
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