Honest to Blog - Deviate
- Ang Nicole
- Nov 19, 2019
- 5 min read
How many fucking times am I going to write that there’s no such thing as a quick fix for mental health illnesses before I fucking accept it on a personal level?
My mind tells me, “hey, Ang… move out from the city so you’re surrounded by trees and happiness.” Or it tells me, “things are different now, you are different now… go ahead, get a puppy.”
My mind convinces me of a lot of things. It gets excited when I am doing well and says, “look Ang, you’re a normal human and you can do normal human things.”
So, then I book things, I say yes to things, I start envisioning a world in which I am strong and capable and smart. A world where I want to volunteer and make a difference. A world where I can make appointments on time and organize to see people without bailing.
And then I remember, I am not that person.
I am a shell of a human, pretending to fit in.
More often than not, my mind is really just messing with my perception of reality.
I read recently that perception is the foundation of human experience, but few of us understand how our own perception works. Unfortunately for me, I am often reminded that my perception does not in fact work very well at all.
At times I feel strong, brave, passionate and committed... not just to life but to love, to happiness, to trying!
There’s a confusing and fascinating elasticity to mental health – it bends and stretches in so many different ways!
Some days I can handle so many things that I can’t help but be proud of myself, walking around elated by the awesomeness that is me.
Other days, I don’t get out of bed.
I am floored by the magnitude of knowledge my brain is capable of on “good days” and yet on “bad days” I can’t even convince myself to get up off the library floor at work so I can go home because all I can think is that if I stay really, really still, maybe it will all just fall away and I will wake up from the nightmare that is my life.
I cried this week, for about 5 hours. Well, not this week… yesterday.
This week I have cried a LOT more than 5 hours.
But yesterday was hard.
I find I write when things are hard.
I worry that writing these things gives them weight and gives them life… but not writing them leaves them inside my mind where it churns, twisting and turning into false perceptions about how alone and unwanted I am.
This week, I feel that way.
I have been sick, which always negatively influences my mental health.
I have been struggling so much with asthma, a cold, fevers, iron deficiency, vitamin d deficiency, anxiety, BPD… Honestly, this past year I have had so many diagnosed medical illnesses that I am at the point where I am so fucking exhausted.
This year, along with this past week of illnesses, I have had: tonsillitis (inflamed tonsil glands), conjunctivitis (an eye infection), pleurisy (inflammation of the lung lining), gastritis (inflammation of the protective layer of the stomach lining) influenza (which lasted over two weeks), asthma (for which I am currently on prednisolone – a steroid), apparently there’s just a fun number of vitamin deficiencies, I have even suffered bruised ribs from coughing and have dealt with being told my lung could possibly collapse… on top of which is my ever-present anxiety, depression and personality disorder.
HONESTLY, I think I am just writing this to complain because fam… I am tired.
I am so worried about the security of my job (coz honestly, how do I even have one when I am such a waste of the air that I struggle to even breathe).
I am so anxious because I lost my psychologist a few months ago and have had no support in that realm other than basically just crying a LOT.
(Kudos to my sister and those few who have received my messages about how invisible and alone I feel - sorry if it’s a punch to your gut, I know you care… my brain just won’t let me believe it all the time).
We got this beautiful puppy, and I have had so many melt downs because I am so scared that I won’t be a good Mumma. It breaks my heart so much when he doesn’t get ALL the love and attention because Mumma is too busy crying on the couch. I feel like I am failing him.
I feel like I am failing my partner. His family. My family. My friends. My work.
I know I am SUPPOSED to be happy.
BUT, how can you be happy when you look at the chaos that is existence?
HOW ARE YOU ALL NOT SUFFOCATING THE WAY I AM?
I wanted to actually write a post about this fascinating book I am reading called Deviate: The Science of Seeing Differently. It is absolutely captivating and challenges the way humans see things and how this is influenced by our environmental factors, past experiences, light, sound, and so much more.
But the more I read it the more I am just struck with how fucked up my perception is, and I can’t stop wondering why I have to try so fucking hard just to be “normal.”
I am so aware that I am almost 26 years old and my life is going basically nowhere.
I am too scared to progress in my career because if I do then that’s just a larger margin for error.
I am scared that eventually my partner is going to realise that he really shouldn’t bother with me coz I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try…
I’m supposed to set boundaries and implement mindfulness.
I am supposed to practice the skills I have learnt during Dialectical Behavioural Therapy over the past 2 years.
But… What am I even doing?
I feel like I am just waiting for life to pass me by.
IS ANYONE EVEN READING THIS?
...
DOES IT EVEN MATTER?
Preparing my mind mentally for the backlash that being actually honest will ensue…
Is it honestly so repulsive that even if someone is having a go at me for voicing my opinion, at least they’ll be interacting with me out of choice instead of me feeling like I am forcing people to acknowledge my existence…?
Current Headspace: I AM TIRED
(PC) BPD Thoughts: I wish I was in hospital blocking out reality because it is hard, and I am tired, and I just can’t anymore.
(Actual) BPD Thoughts: I am so fucking done.
Rational Brain: You cannot afford to go to hospital, and you will lose your job and your partner and your home and all the things that you love and yet hate.
Irrational Brain: Fuck everything, run away.
Reality: WHO CARES?!
If you feel that you need help I strongly urge you to seek the assistance of friends, family or you can call the numbers of helplines such as Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)
or visit
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